Forget the Golden Rule!

            “I doubt there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christ-like love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves.  It is not always easy to put all other considerations aside and look to our companion to see what his or her needs are and then do our best to fulfill them.”                            -Brent Barlow 

            Marriage is a glorifying experience.  If we want to succeed in marriage then we need to forget about ourselves, and look to our spouse and how we can meet their needs.  This week I’ve been thinking about how we show love to our spouses and go about meeting their needs.  In the scriptures it says to do unto others, as we would have them do unto us.

                                                        

But, I think, marriage is one area where we should ignore this advice. 

            “We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us.  And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy.  One great key to success in marriage is to find out what would make our spouse happy and then to find joy providing that happiness.”                            -Brent Barlow  

            If we continue to do for our spouse, what we want done to us, we are going to miss the mark.  Our spouse will be unhappy, and we will be unhappy.  Even if our intentions are good, we will not achieve the results we desire.

            When we look to our companion we see that his or her needs are not the same as our needs.  They need us to do different things for them than we need to be done for us.  Thus, the golden rule doesn’t apply in the typical sense.

            So, what is it that we should do for our spouse? Each person is different and unique, but one thing we can do is to discover the love language our spouse speaks.  Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The Five Love Languages”.  It is a good investment, as it applies not only to our spouse, but also to any relationship we will ever have—friends, in-laws, children, co-workers etc.

            Briefly, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, service, physical touch, gifts, and quality time.  Each person feels loved when they receive feedback through their particular love language.  For example, a person whose love language is service feels loved when someone does service for them.  A words-of-affirmation-person feels most loved when someone compliments and says positive things to them. 

Here is a video explaining the languages.  I think she is really cute and explains it well.

Essence Encounter:

            This week take the quiz and find out what language you speak.  Then, get your spouse to take the quiz and find out their language.  But don’t stop there.  Once you know your partner’s language, do something everyday to speak their language.  You could do more than one a day, but one is a good start.  Test it out for a week, and see if you notice a difference.

            As you find out what makes your spouse happy and seek to do it, you will find joy in making your partner happy.  Do unto your spouse what will make him or her happy, and you will find happiness yourself.  Double blessings!

Date Night Rules!

            I’ve been thinking about “date nights”.  We use them before we are married to get to know the person we are interested in.  What are their likes and dislikes?  How do they react in certain situations?  How do their goals and dreams match up with mine?  When we find someone we want to share our life with, we get married.

            I think “date nights” are just as important once we are married.  I would even venture to say they might be more important than when we were dating.  We need to stay in tune with each other.  When you feel out of synch with your spouse, date night is a great way to re-connect.  Dr. Gottman calls this the “marriage poop detector”.

            Taking time out of our busy schedules to re-connect is essential to our well being as a couple.  We are aiming to become “one”.   Since we are continuously learning, growing and developing, we need to be continuously sharing with our partners.        

            Not all dates are created equal.  You don’t need to spend a lot of money or do extravagant activities every time to grow closer together.  But there are some things that need to be incorporated into whatever activity you decide upon.  In order for date night to work you need to set some ground rules.

            Here are some of my basic rules:

1. Whatever you do, do it together.            

            We used to go to church activities and count them as dates, but no more.  That may sound harsh or illogical, but there is a reason.  My husband is in a prominent leadership position in our church.  Whenever we go to an activity, it seems that everyone wants a piece of him, privately.  I am usually left to socialize without him.  I don’t mind talking to friends and meeting new people, but it is not building my relationship with my spouse.  Or he is sitting on the stand, and I am in the audience.  Not that I don’t mind winking at him from across the room, but. . .If we can’t be together, holding hands and actually talking to each other—it doesn’t count as a “date”.   Usually.

                                     

2.  You must communicate with each other during the event.

            You might think this goes without saying, but how many couples think dinner and a movie is a great date night.  Don’t get me wrong, we do it too.  It is easy and there are so many great movies out there we will never have time to see them all.  Once in a while I think it is okay to see a movie.  But you have to admit, there is not much interaction that happens between spouses during a movie.

            Interaction and conversation is a must for date night to be fulfilling.  If you are stuck for ideas just google “date night ideas”.  You will be bombarded with more ideas than you can possible accomplish.  So why fall back on some easy worn out activity—unless you really loooove the activity.

            We need to re-connect with each other.  Strengthen our bond and support each other during this special time together.

None of this stuff!

3.  Plan it.

            One of the reasons that dinner and a movie is such a popular fall back is that there is no planning or preparation involved.  It fits into busy schedules.  But taking time to plan our dates ensures that they are more fun, and proves we take our time together seriously.  It means more if we put forth some effort and plan dates.

            Recently we have been in a dating rut, so this year we made some new goals.  We have divided our dates into four categories—one for each week of the month.  Temple, adventure, basic, and massage nights.  If there is a fifth week that is a bonus week, we can do whatever we want, or catch up if we missed one of the other nights for some reason. 

            Temple night is a night (or day) we spend in the temple.  In January our temple was closed for cleaning, so we went up to join in the cleaning crews for the evening.  Having one of our date nights dedicated to attending the temple ensures that we attend together—which we rarely do otherwise.  Now you may say that this is breaking my rule #1.  And in a sense it is, but we have a two hour ride up and a two hour ride back, so I figure that we are communicating sufficiently during the evening to count it as a “date”.

            Adventure night is dedicated to trying new things or doing out of the ordinary activities.  We went to a Monster Truck rally last month—it was on my bucket list.  It was fun and exciting and LOUD!  Here's a taste of the fun...

            One time my husband taught me how to shoot a gun.  Another time we went to an opera (actually we did this a few times).   We’ve taken a dance class—actually that one didn’t work out so well.  The teacher made us dance with everyone in the class and my husband only wanted to dance with me, so he was not so happy.

            It doesn’t have to cost a bundle.  Use your imagination.  Really this night is to get us thinking outside the box, so we don’t become lax in our relationship.  And we continue to build our “love maps” as Dr Gottman encourages us to do.

            Our “basic” evening is when we go on double or group dates.  It could be the movie night, or frequently it is a night to attend our children’s sporting events.  Game night at home is fun to do, if you like games.

            The last category is our massage night.  For Christmas, I bought my husband a stone massage set and an instruction video.  For Valentine’s day we invested in the ‘Melt massages for couples’ package.  Need I say more?  Practice makes perfect.

4. Enjoy yourselves.

            Date night is not a time to drag out complaints or festering issues.  If you decide to plan a date night in order to attack those problems that’s always an option, but for the most part, date night should be reserved for fun.  Just the two of you connecting and strengthening your relationship.  So allow yourself to enjoy your time together.

           

Essence Encounter:

         Just do it!

            Take some time to develop a plan of your own.  Don’t make it too difficult to carry out or follow through with.  Search the internet, (there is a load of information and ideas to sort through) and come up with some fun, intriguing ideas to participate in.  You should look forward to it.  Anticipate your time together.  Make it a priority, you won’t regret it! 

Diving For Pearls

         Have you ever done the tourist-style diving for pearls?  You don’t really go diving at all, but rather you get to pluck an oyster out of a bowl.  It is easier, and less time consuming than the other diving experience.  Supposedly the fat, hairy ones are the best ones to pick.  My husband and I went “diving for pearls” this weekend.  Our little, fat, hairy shell produced a beautiful silver grey pearl.  Throughout the process I learned some interesting tidbits that made me think of marriage.

            In nature pearls are formed when an irritant, it could be a grain of sand or a parasite, gets inside an oyster, and causes great discomfort.  The oyster then secretes a substance around the intruding irritant as a defense mechanism to protect itself.  In time this coated irritant becomes a pearl.

            On oyster farms the clams are forcefully injected with irritants to ensure that pearls will develop in most, if not all of the shells.  The oysters need to be at least two years old before being injected or they die.  Even after the two-year mark the death of the oyster is possible, so they are closely monitored as they develop.  It takes years for the process to produce a pearl, and it cannot be rushed as the oyster continually secretes the soothing substance that naturally builds up to form the pearl.

            When the oyster is pried open the pearl is lodged inside the meat of the shell.  One must dig to find it.  The pearl is then rubbed vigorously with salt to scrub the filmy layer off, so its luster will shine.

            I think this process can apply to marriage. All marriages have issues, challenges and irritants.  Some marriages “die” in separation or divorce, while others learn how to soothe, and manage the irritants to form something beautiful and precious. I think when we scrub off our layer of mortality; the luster and beauty of our relationship will amaze us.

            No matter how good of a relationship we have with our spouse we are going to have issues where we don’t agree.  Elder Joe J. Christensen said:  “Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion.  Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them.  That is part of the of making a good marriage better."  We are going to have irritants in our lives that we must face.  So what can we do to help soothe these irritants?

            It is important to know that women are more likely to bring up irritants, while men are likely to distance themselves from the conflict.  This is because physiologically a man’s body is more reactive to emotional stress, which leads to ‘flooding’.  The physical sensations of flooding include—increased heart rate, sweating, and a spike in adrenaline.  The body reacts to internal alarms indicating dangerous situations.  In this state it is difficult to think clearly and have a discussion.  It takes longer for a man to recover from the stress of an argument, and so they are inclined to avoid it.  

            The popular method for resolving conflict is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, listen intently, and then communicate with empathy that you understand his or her point of view.  In reality this is difficult to accomplish.  Dr. Gottman’s research has suggested a different method that seems to be more do-able, because the steps take little training.  Most of it comes down to regular good manners.

            Managing irritants includes the following steps:

            1. Soften your start-up.

            Using a soft start-up to begin the conversation helps to avoid flooding.  The best soft start-up has four parts:

            (1) “I share some responsibility for the problem . . . ” For example if a wife is upset that her husband forgot to pick up the kids from school, it will help if she takes on some of the responsibility of the problem: “I realize that I didn’t remind you of the schedule this morning…”

            (2) Here’s how I feel . . .

            (3) about a specific situation and . . .

            (4) here’s what I need . . .(positive need, not what you don’t need).

            In order for this to be effective this must be devoid of criticism or contempt.  Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, you are pointing your finger at yourself.   You are making direct complaints rather than criticisms or contemptuous accusations.  You are simply complaining about a particular situation, not your partner’s personality or character.  You are describing what is happening, not judging or evaluating.

            Watch this video on how to complain without hurting the other person--

             2.  Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

            We try to keep our conversation on track by using verbal and non-verbal gestures.  Attempt to de-escalate the tension, so that each person is more receptive to finding a compromise.  Take a look at this short video about repair attempts.

            3.  Soothe yourself and each other

            When the conflict leads to flooding of either or both partners something needs to be done to soothe the savage beast inside.  Take a break, go for a walk, listen to music, or read something for at least 20 minutes, sometimes longer for men.

            4. Compromise

            The more concessions you are able to make the better able you will be to make requests of your spouse.  When considering the issue, make two lists.  One of the things you cannot give in on.  The other list is of negotiable items.  The more items on your negotiable list the easier to compromise.

Essence Encounter:

            This week the challenge is to manage your irritants according to these steps.  I think it is important to remember that our responses (words and feelings) can make a decided difference in the atmosphere of our homes.  We need to accept that negative things will happen in our lives, and how we react can make a huge difference.  Let me share an excerpt from a parent’s discussion from Dr. Haim Ginott that illustrates this concept.

Leader:  Suppose it is one of those mornings when everything seems to be going wrong.  The telephone rings, the baby cries, and before you know it, the toast is burnt.  Your spouse looks over the toaster and says: “what the heck!  When will you learn to make toast?”  What is your reaction?

A: I would throw the toast in his face!

B: I would say, “Fix your own darn toast!”

C: I would be so hurt I would only cry.

Leader: What would your spouse’s words make you feel toward him or her?

Parents: Anger, hate, resentment.

Leader: Would it be easy to fix another batch of toast?

A: Only if I could put poison in it!

Leader: And how would you feel about your day?

A: The whole day would be ruined.

Leader: Suppose the situation is the same: The toast is burnt.  But your spouse, looking over the situation, says, “Gee, honey, it’s a rough morning for you—the baby, the phone, and now the toast.”

B: I would feel wonderful!

C: I would feel so good that I would hug and kiss him.

Leader: Why? That baby is still crying and the toast is still burnt?

Parents:  That wouldn’t matter.

Leader: What would make the difference?

A: You would feel grateful that you were not criticized.

Leader: And what kind of a day would you have?

C: A cheerful and happy one.

Leader: Let me give you a third scenario.  Your spouse looks over the burnt toast and says to you calmly, “Let me show you, honey, how to make toast.”

B: Oh no.  That’s even worse than the first one.  Now I’d feel stupid.

Leader: Let’s see what we can learn from the burnt toast story.  What is it that helped change the mean feelings to loving ones?

B: The fact that somebody understood you.

C: With out blaming you.

A: And without telling you how to improve.

            The point is clear.  Irritants are ...well, irritating.  It is easy to succumb to the heat of the moment.  This is going to take practice and patience, lots of patience, repentance and forgiveness.  Like an oyster slowly secreting the soothing substances, we can develop habits to soothe our irritants, and in time we, too, can create a beautiful pearl in our relationships.

Here are a couple of sites to learn more:

http://www.couplestherapyinc.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/GMCT-18-CONFLICT-Choose-One-Perpetual-Problem-Solvable-Problem-BW.pdf

This one has a work sheet to help with solving problems.

http://www.happycoupleshealthycommunities.com/tag/masters-of-relationship/
This one reviews these steps and more.

Big Green Monster

            I love children’s books.  I have a huge collection, and frequently read them to my children.  Here is one of their favorites when they were young:

            With the turn of every page some new scary aspect of the monster appears: a big red mouth, sharp white teeth, curly purple hair or squiggly blue ears.  The point of the story is to tell each characteristic to “go away!”, and by the end of the book we feel confident enough to tell the whole monster to depart.  It’s a cute book with a good message.

            This week I studied about Pride.  Pride is the “big, green monster” in marriage.  Unlike the monster in the book with limited scary aspects, pride seems to have an unending number of faces.  Do any of these appear in your relationship?

*Self-centeredness     *Conceit     *Boastfulness     *Arrogance      *Haughtiness     

*Enmity, which is hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition

*Competitive in nature       *Rebellion        *Hard-heartedness

     *Stiff-neckedness     *Unrepentant     *Puffed up     

*Easily offended     *Tempted to elevate selves

  *Diminishing others     *Faultfinding     *Gossiping     *Backbiting                *Murmuring     *Living beyond our means     *Envying     *Coveting     * Withholding gratitude     

*Withholding praise that might lift another     *Being unforgiving      *Jealous

*Disobedience is essentially a prideful power struggle against someone in authority

    *Selfishness     *‘How everything affects me” attitude     *Self-conceit     *Self-pity      

                   *Worldly self-fulfillment    *Self-gratification     *Self-seeking

            *Contention     *Arguments     *Fights     *Unrighteous dominion     

*Generation gaps     *Spouse abuse     *Riots     *Disturbances

             *Holding grudges     *Not receiving counsel or correction easily

                    *Defensiveness to justify and rationalize frailties and failures

                                                                                    (see Ezra Taft Benson's talk on Pride for more)

            There are a lot of ways for the Pride Monster to rear its big, ugly face in our lives.  And Satan uses every single one of them to stir up trouble every day.  We need to diligently tell each feature to “Go Away!”  We need to let go of our pride.

Pride has no place in our marriages.  Pride adversely affects our relationships.  It limits or stops our progression as individuals and as couples.  Pride chases away our feelings of unity and oneness.  It separates and divides us.  God wants us to become one. 

            So how do we tell our monster to “go away”?  Just like the big, green monster, we need to chase away each form of pride.  Repentance is the remedy, and humility is the antidote.

            We can choose to invite humility into our marriages by esteeming our spouse as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than ourselves.  We can do this by rendering selfless service and considering your partner’s opinions.  Gottman calls this “letting your partner influence you”.

            Basically it means that we consider our spouses opinion when we make decisions, what they feel, prefer and think matters to us in our day-to-day choices.  Accepting influence is an attitude, but it is also a skill that you can learn if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse.

Essence Encounter:

           This idea comes from Gottman's book.  I think it is a fun and interesting activity.  Try it out this week with your spouse.

           The Gottman Deserted Island Game:

            Imagine yourself shipwrecked with your partner on a tropical desert island– the two of you are the only survivors. You have no idea where you are. A storm appears to be on the way. You decide that you need to prepare to survive on this island for some time, and to find some way to ensure you can be spotted by a rescue party. There are a lot of items from the ship on the beach that could help you, but you can only carry ten items.

            Step 1: Each of you writes down on a separate piece of paper what you consider to be the ten most important items to keep from the inventory list below. Then rank these items based on their importance to you. Give the most crucial item a 1, the next most important item a 2, and so on.

Ship’s Inventory:

•   Two changes of clothing                     •   AM-FM and short-wave radio receiver 

•   Ten gallons of water                            •   Pots and pans 

•   Matches                                               •   Shovel 

•   Backpack                                             •   Toilet paper 

•   Two tents                                             •   Two sleeping bags 

•   Knife                                                   •   Small life raft, with sail                      

•   Sunblock lotion                                   •   Cookstove and lantern 

•   Long rope                                            •   Two walkie-talkie sender-receiver units 

•   Freeze-dried food for seven days        •   One change of clothing 

•   One fifth of whiskey                            •   Flares 

•   Compass                                              •   Regional aerial maps 

•   Gun with six bullets                            •   Fifty packages of condoms 

•   First-aid kit with penicillin                  •   Oxygen tanks

            Step 2: Share your list with your partner. Together come up with a consensus list of ten items. This means talking it over and working as a team to solve the problem. Both of you need to be influential in discussing your viewpoint and in making the final decisions.

            Step 3: Once you have compromised on a third list, it’s time to evaluate how the game went. Think about how effective you were at influencing your partner and how effective they were at influencing you. Did either of you try to dominate? Were you competitive? Ask yourself if you had fun. Did both of you work well as a team and feel included, or did you sulk, withdraw, express irritability/anger?
             Acknowledge any problem areas and agree to work together on these issues with your spouse.  This is overcoming pride, choosing humility and defeating the big, ugly monster.  We can't change habits overnight, but we can move forward, if we take responsibility for the part we play in our relationships, and we can choose to work together.  Take that you big, green, ugly monster!  Go Away--and don't come back again!