Date Night Rules!

            I’ve been thinking about “date nights”.  We use them before we are married to get to know the person we are interested in.  What are their likes and dislikes?  How do they react in certain situations?  How do their goals and dreams match up with mine?  When we find someone we want to share our life with, we get married.

            I think “date nights” are just as important once we are married.  I would even venture to say they might be more important than when we were dating.  We need to stay in tune with each other.  When you feel out of synch with your spouse, date night is a great way to re-connect.  Dr. Gottman calls this the “marriage poop detector”.

            Taking time out of our busy schedules to re-connect is essential to our well being as a couple.  We are aiming to become “one”.   Since we are continuously learning, growing and developing, we need to be continuously sharing with our partners.        

            Not all dates are created equal.  You don’t need to spend a lot of money or do extravagant activities every time to grow closer together.  But there are some things that need to be incorporated into whatever activity you decide upon.  In order for date night to work you need to set some ground rules.

            Here are some of my basic rules:

1. Whatever you do, do it together.            

            We used to go to church activities and count them as dates, but no more.  That may sound harsh or illogical, but there is a reason.  My husband is in a prominent leadership position in our church.  Whenever we go to an activity, it seems that everyone wants a piece of him, privately.  I am usually left to socialize without him.  I don’t mind talking to friends and meeting new people, but it is not building my relationship with my spouse.  Or he is sitting on the stand, and I am in the audience.  Not that I don’t mind winking at him from across the room, but. . .If we can’t be together, holding hands and actually talking to each other—it doesn’t count as a “date”.   Usually.

                                     

2.  You must communicate with each other during the event.

            You might think this goes without saying, but how many couples think dinner and a movie is a great date night.  Don’t get me wrong, we do it too.  It is easy and there are so many great movies out there we will never have time to see them all.  Once in a while I think it is okay to see a movie.  But you have to admit, there is not much interaction that happens between spouses during a movie.

            Interaction and conversation is a must for date night to be fulfilling.  If you are stuck for ideas just google “date night ideas”.  You will be bombarded with more ideas than you can possible accomplish.  So why fall back on some easy worn out activity—unless you really loooove the activity.

            We need to re-connect with each other.  Strengthen our bond and support each other during this special time together.

None of this stuff!

3.  Plan it.

            One of the reasons that dinner and a movie is such a popular fall back is that there is no planning or preparation involved.  It fits into busy schedules.  But taking time to plan our dates ensures that they are more fun, and proves we take our time together seriously.  It means more if we put forth some effort and plan dates.

            Recently we have been in a dating rut, so this year we made some new goals.  We have divided our dates into four categories—one for each week of the month.  Temple, adventure, basic, and massage nights.  If there is a fifth week that is a bonus week, we can do whatever we want, or catch up if we missed one of the other nights for some reason. 

            Temple night is a night (or day) we spend in the temple.  In January our temple was closed for cleaning, so we went up to join in the cleaning crews for the evening.  Having one of our date nights dedicated to attending the temple ensures that we attend together—which we rarely do otherwise.  Now you may say that this is breaking my rule #1.  And in a sense it is, but we have a two hour ride up and a two hour ride back, so I figure that we are communicating sufficiently during the evening to count it as a “date”.

            Adventure night is dedicated to trying new things or doing out of the ordinary activities.  We went to a Monster Truck rally last month—it was on my bucket list.  It was fun and exciting and LOUD!  Here's a taste of the fun...

            One time my husband taught me how to shoot a gun.  Another time we went to an opera (actually we did this a few times).   We’ve taken a dance class—actually that one didn’t work out so well.  The teacher made us dance with everyone in the class and my husband only wanted to dance with me, so he was not so happy.

            It doesn’t have to cost a bundle.  Use your imagination.  Really this night is to get us thinking outside the box, so we don’t become lax in our relationship.  And we continue to build our “love maps” as Dr Gottman encourages us to do.

            Our “basic” evening is when we go on double or group dates.  It could be the movie night, or frequently it is a night to attend our children’s sporting events.  Game night at home is fun to do, if you like games.

            The last category is our massage night.  For Christmas, I bought my husband a stone massage set and an instruction video.  For Valentine’s day we invested in the ‘Melt massages for couples’ package.  Need I say more?  Practice makes perfect.

4. Enjoy yourselves.

            Date night is not a time to drag out complaints or festering issues.  If you decide to plan a date night in order to attack those problems that’s always an option, but for the most part, date night should be reserved for fun.  Just the two of you connecting and strengthening your relationship.  So allow yourself to enjoy your time together.

           

Essence Encounter:

         Just do it!

            Take some time to develop a plan of your own.  Don’t make it too difficult to carry out or follow through with.  Search the internet, (there is a load of information and ideas to sort through) and come up with some fun, intriguing ideas to participate in.  You should look forward to it.  Anticipate your time together.  Make it a priority, you won’t regret it!