Forget the Golden Rule!

            “I doubt there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christ-like love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves.  It is not always easy to put all other considerations aside and look to our companion to see what his or her needs are and then do our best to fulfill them.”                            -Brent Barlow 

            Marriage is a glorifying experience.  If we want to succeed in marriage then we need to forget about ourselves, and look to our spouse and how we can meet their needs.  This week I’ve been thinking about how we show love to our spouses and go about meeting their needs.  In the scriptures it says to do unto others, as we would have them do unto us.

                                                        

But, I think, marriage is one area where we should ignore this advice. 

            “We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us.  And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy.  One great key to success in marriage is to find out what would make our spouse happy and then to find joy providing that happiness.”                            -Brent Barlow  

            If we continue to do for our spouse, what we want done to us, we are going to miss the mark.  Our spouse will be unhappy, and we will be unhappy.  Even if our intentions are good, we will not achieve the results we desire.

            When we look to our companion we see that his or her needs are not the same as our needs.  They need us to do different things for them than we need to be done for us.  Thus, the golden rule doesn’t apply in the typical sense.

            So, what is it that we should do for our spouse? Each person is different and unique, but one thing we can do is to discover the love language our spouse speaks.  Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called “The Five Love Languages”.  It is a good investment, as it applies not only to our spouse, but also to any relationship we will ever have—friends, in-laws, children, co-workers etc.

            Briefly, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, service, physical touch, gifts, and quality time.  Each person feels loved when they receive feedback through their particular love language.  For example, a person whose love language is service feels loved when someone does service for them.  A words-of-affirmation-person feels most loved when someone compliments and says positive things to them. 

Here is a video explaining the languages.  I think she is really cute and explains it well.

Essence Encounter:

            This week take the quiz and find out what language you speak.  Then, get your spouse to take the quiz and find out their language.  But don’t stop there.  Once you know your partner’s language, do something everyday to speak their language.  You could do more than one a day, but one is a good start.  Test it out for a week, and see if you notice a difference.

            As you find out what makes your spouse happy and seek to do it, you will find joy in making your partner happy.  Do unto your spouse what will make him or her happy, and you will find happiness yourself.  Double blessings!