Marriage Essence: Diving For Pearls

Have you ever done the tourist-style diving for pearls? You don’t really go diving at all, but rather you get to pluck an oyster out of a bowl. It is easier, and less time consuming than the other diving experience. Supposedly the fat, hairy ones are the best ones to pick. My husband and I went “diving for pearls” this weekend. Our little, fat, hairy shell produced a beautiful silver grey pearl. Throughout the process I learned some interesting tidbits that made me think of marriage.

In nature pearls are formed when an irritant, it could be a grain of sand or a parasite, gets inside an oyster, and causes great discomfort. The oyster then secretes a substance around the intruding irritant as a defense mechanism to protect itself. In time this coated irritant becomes a pearl.

On oyster farms the clams are forcefully injected with irritants to ensure that pearls will develop in most, if not all of the shells. The oysters need to be at least two years old before being injected or they die. Even after the two-year mark the death of the oyster is possible, so they are closely monitored as they develop. It takes years for the process to produce a pearl, and it cannot be rushed as the oyster continually secretes the soothing substance that naturally builds up to form the pearl.

When the oyster is pried open the pearl is lodged inside the meat of the shell. One must dig to find it. The pearl is then rubbed vigorously with salt to scrub the filmy layer off, so its luster will shine.

I think this process can apply to marriage. All marriages have issues, challenges and irritants. Some marriages “die” in separation or divorce, while others learn how to soothe, and manage the irritants to form something beautiful and precious. I think when we scrub off our layer of mortality; the luster and beauty of our relationship will amaze us.

No matter how good of a relationship we have with our spouse we are going to have issues where we don’t agree. Elder Joe J. Christensen said: “Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the of making a good marriage better." We are going to have irritants in our lives that we must face. So what can we do to help soothe these irritants?

It is important to know that women are more likely to bring up irritants, while men are likely to distance themselves from the conflict. This is because physiologically a man’s body is more reactive to emotional stress, which leads to ‘flooding’. The physical sensations of flooding include—increased heart rate, sweating, and a spike in adrenaline. The body reacts to internal alarms indicating dangerous situations. In this state it is difficult to think clearly and have a discussion. It takes longer for a man to recover from the stress of an argument, and so they are inclined to avoid it.

The popular method for resolving conflict is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, listen intently, and then communicate with empathy that you understand his or her point of view. In reality this is difficult to accomplish. Dr. Gottman’s research has suggested a different method that seems to be more do-able, because the steps take little training. Most of it comes down to regular good manners.

Managing irritants includes the following steps:

1. Soften your start-up.

Using a soft start-up to begin the conversation helps to avoid flooding. The best soft start-up has four parts:

(1) “I share some responsibility for the problem . . . ” For example if a wife is upset that her husband forgot to pick up the kids from school, it will help if she takes on some of the responsibility of the problem: “I realize that I didn’t remind you of the schedule this morning…”

(2) Here’s how I feel . . .

(3) about a specific situation and . . .

(4) here’s what I need . . .(positive need, not what you don’t need).

In order for this to be effective this must be devoid of criticism or contempt. Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, you are pointing your finger at yourself. You are making direct complaints rather than criticisms or contemptuous accusations. You are simply complaining about a particular situation, not your partner’s personality or character. You are describing what is happening, not judging or evaluating.

Watch this video on how to complain without hurting the other person--

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

We try to keep our conversation on track by using verbal and non-verbal gestures. Attempt to de-escalate the tension, so that each person is more receptive to finding a compromise. Take a look at this short video about repair attempts.

3. Soothe yourself and each other

When the conflict leads to flooding of either or both partners something needs to be done to soothe the savage beast inside. Take a break, go for a walk, listen to music, or read something for at least 20 minutes, sometimes longer for men.

4. Compromise

The more concessions you are able to make the better able you will be to make requests of your spouse. When considering the issue, make two lists. One of the things you cannot give in on. The other list is of negotiable items. The more items on your negotiable list the easier to compromise.

Essence Encounter:

This week the challenge is to manage your irritants according to these steps. I think it is important to remember that our responses (words and feelings) can make a decided difference in the atmosphere of our homes. We need to accept that negative things will happen in our lives, and how we react can make a huge difference. Let me share an excerpt from a parent’s discussion from Dr. Haim Ginott that illustrates this concept.

Leader: Suppose it is one of those mornings when everything seems to be going wrong. The telephone rings, the baby cries, and before you know it, the toast is burnt. Your spouse looks over the toaster and says: “what the heck! When will you learn to make toast?” What is your reaction?

A: I would throw the toast in his face!

B: I would say, “Fix your own darn toast!”

C: I would be so hurt I would only cry.

Leader: What would your spouse’s words make you feel toward him or her?

Parents: Anger, hate, resentment.

Leader: Would it be easy to fix another batch of toast?

A: Only if I could put poison in it!

Leader: And how would you feel about your day?

A: The whole day would be ruined.

Leader: Suppose the situation is the same: The toast is burnt. But your spouse, looking over the situation, says, “Gee, honey, it’s a rough morning for you—the baby, the phone, and now the toast.”

B: I would feel wonderful!

C: I would feel so good that I would hug and kiss him.

Leader: Why? That baby is still crying and the toast is still burnt?

Parents: That wouldn’t matter.

Leader: What would make the difference?

A: You would feel grateful that you were not criticized.

Leader: And what kind of a day would you have?

C: A cheerful and happy one.

Leader: Let me give you a third scenario. Your spouse looks over the burnt toast and says to you calmly, “Let me show you, honey, how to make toast.”

B: Oh no. That’s even worse than the first one. Now I’d feel stupid.

Leader: Let’s see what we can learn from the burnt toast story. What is it that helped change the mean feelings to loving ones?

B: The fact that somebody understood you.

C: With out blaming you.

A: And without telling you how to improve.

The point is clear. Irritants are ...well, irritating. It is easy to succumb to the heat of the moment. This is going to take practice and patience, lots of patience, repentance and forgiveness. Like an oyster slowly secreting the soothing substances, we can develop habits to soothe our irritants, and in time we, too, can create a beautiful pearl in our relationships.