The first time I met my mother-in-law-to-be, she spent over
an hour describing all the birth control methods she used, which ones worked
and which ones didn’t work so well. She described
her miscarriages and stillbirths, and the trauma that went along with them. --Awkward!-- Let’s just say I was surprised, and somewhat
shocked at her openness on the subject.
My mother never spoke about
these topics. Ever. It was an unspoken rule—she didn’t share and
we didn’t ask.
It was then
I realized, subconsciously, that I was entering a new and different world of
rules and expectations. There were times
when it was challenging to adjust my way of thinking and accept the things that were
different. For example, when my younger
brother-in-law was in a biking accident, I couldn’t understand why my husband,
who lived over 90 minutes away, had leave work to go up to give him a blessing,
when his father, and two
brother-in-laws were living in the same house with him. It was unspoken family rules at play, rules
that I didn’t grow up with or fully understand.
We never
really sat down and analyzed the differences, or made conscious choices to
follow one way or another, but we have morphed the two sets of rules to fit our
own family style. We created a marriage
identity together that is separate from both of our family of origins. Sometimes it was hard to initiate a break
from tradition, like spending Christmas together with In-laws, but as we moved
across the country to attend graduate school, and began to have children, it
was necessary to begin our own traditions, separate from theirs. It just seemed the natural course of
life.
According
to the book ‘Helping and Healing OurFamilies’, “Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect,
maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards
their marriage.” In our case we discussed boundaries, as issues appeared, what
would we accept, and what would we decline to participate in, as invitations
were made, and how we wanted to proceed with our own children.
In the book
“Till Debt Do Us Part” the authors
describe different kinds of ‘family rules’. There are Explicit, Implicit, and
Intuitive rules.
Explicit:
rules that are expressed verbally and even posted somewhere in the house. “Make your bed everyday”, “Speak kindly to
others”, and “Read your scriptures daily”.
Implicit:
rules taught through nonverbal communication.
These tend to be just below our conscious awareness and we seldom
realize we are following them until someone points them out. For example: ‘When dad leaves the room the
discussion is over’, ‘This chair belongs
to mom, and no one should sit in it’, and ‘Don’t gamble your money away like
Gran-pa’.
Intuitive:
also unspoken, but while implicit rules concern everyday kinds of issues,
intuitive rules are based on family heritage and emotional legacy. Our legacy may include expectations
associated with our ethnic, religious, or vocational backgrounds. For example: ‘Never marry someone of
different race (or religion, or nationality, or socioeconomic status etc)’, or
‘Never change your citizenship (or religion, politics and so on)’.
“The more a
person can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the prospective spouse’s
family, the easier it will be to understand the family and feel included. These unspoken rules might include: how the
family members handle conflict, who is involved in decision-making, how
emotionally expressive family members are, how humor is demonstrated in the
family, or what topics should not be discussed.
The clearer the family rules are, the better, because new in-laws can’t
follow rules if they don’t understand them.
“Marrying
into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be a
challenge.” (Helping and Healing OurFamilies). But it also creates
opportunities to see other ways of doing things, and ways of approaching
challenges. “The idea that good
marriages are “found” is too prevalent in society. Rather, strong marriages are built by what
couples choose to do once they are married, and by what parents and siblings on
both sides do to help support them.” (Helping and Healing Our Families).
Essence Encounter:
If you are newly weds or married veterans, it would
be good to try to do an inventory of your origin family rules. Try to list as many rules as you can for each
area—Explicit, Implicit and Intuitive—talk to your family members about your
family’s rules. Discuss various areas, such
as, communication, sexuality, morality, health, holidays, religion, family
interactions, or education.
When you are done, compare and discuss your answers
with your partner. Ask yourself how you
feel about these rules. Which ones do
you want to keep for your new family, and which ones to you want to
reject? Determine what compromises and
accommodations you need to make or have made.
If this seems overwhelming, discuss one idea at a
time, maybe on your date night each week, until you feel comfortable with your
new family ‘rules’. I think this topic
of rules will be an ongoing discussion, as children come and grow and leave. Families are always in a state of change and
you must adjust to those changes by making some accommodation in your rules.
But you have to start somewhere.
This also might explain some of the contention and
tiffs that reoccur in marriages.
Understanding the rules you came from might just answer some of your
questions as to why your spouses do certain things—and why it bothers you. Then you can make adjustments that will be
beneficial to your relationship.
