Locking in on a Soul Mate

            I’ve been thinking about soul mates.  Those people bound with some psychic link.  We hear about them, and read about them.  We see them in movies, people destined to be together.  Apparently we need one to achieve a feeling of completeness.  Everybody wants to find his or her one true soul mate.  It’s all very romantic.  Some people spend their whole lives searching, meeting many wonderful people, but when no immediate, deep-seated, magical connection is felt, they move on to search elsewhere.  I think that is sad, and not so romantic.

            I’m not sure I believe in soul mates. At least not the concept that there is only one perfect person out there who can complete me, and if we don’t meet up, I am doomed to an unhappy, unfulfilled inferior life.  That idea just doesn’t sit well with me.  Oh, I agree there are people we feel more comfortable with from the first moment.  We may feel a special connection, and we just ‘click’.  I call them kindred spirits, and maybe we knew them in our previous life.  But a ‘soul mate’, someone I am predestined to be with to complete myself?  I’m not sure I buy into that.

            On the other hand, I do believe the person we choose to marry becomes our soul mate.  By virtue of choosing them over everyone else in the world, we choose to share our whole soul with them, and thus become soul mates.  It takes work and unselfish adjustments, but I believe we can choose to completely open up and share something so intimate that all other relationships pale in comparison.

           The American writer Richard Bach said, “a soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks.  When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are.”

            I believe within a committed marriage we can learn to feel safe enough to open our locks and share our souls.  Maybe we have to hand over the keys to our locks one at a time, but as we do so, we learn to become one with our chosen spouse.  God wants us to become one with our spouse.  In fact the only thing he wants us to love with all our hearts beside Him is our spouse. “Thou shalt love thy wife (I think this applies to husbands as well) with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her (or him) and none else. (Doctrine andCovenants 42:22)

            Think about these synonyms for ‘cleave’ in reference to your marriage: cling like ivy, stick like a barnacle, hold on like a bull-dog, cement together, and merge with.  There are a lot more, but I especially like the idea of ‘holding on like a bull-dog’.  In our society where marriage is being de-valued and discarded easily, we need to hold on like tenacious bull-dogs to what we’ve got.  I believe in marriage.  Marriage is good.  I believe that marriage should be permanent.  And I believe that a great marriage is worth working for. 

Pont Neuf

          My husband and I went to Paris last year, and while there we strolled to Pont Neuf.  A famous tradition, mostly for tourists, is to hook a lock onto the bridge, throw the key into the Seine to symbolize your everlasting, never-ending love.  I secretly brought a lock with me, so I could surprise my hubby by participating in this unique ritual.  When we got to the bridge, he stealthily produced a lock himself.  Double locks-now that’s romantic! 

Love Locks

          We are soul mates, not because we have a perfect marriage, and not because we have some psychic connection, we are very different, but we are committed to the long haul and to each other.  We are working on the ‘cleaving’ and ‘clinging like ivy’ to each other by trying to put each other first. 

            One of the basic principles of the essence of marriage is that of a permanent commitment.  If a light bulb burns out, you don’t go buy a new house.  Likewise in marriage we work on our differences.  “A marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing.  If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them.  We do not give up.  While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again.  The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.” (Dallin H. Oaks, Divorce. LDS.org)

           Essence Encounter:

            Decide to ‘cleave’ to your spouse, give over keys to some of your inner locks or have a positive encounter this week.

          In his book TheMeaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom ofGod, Timothy Keller encourages us: "In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up.  And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love.  So what do you do?  You do acts of love, despite your lack of feeling.  You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving, and helpful.  And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings.  This can happen if you decide to love."

          

           

            Pope Francis in the 2014 colloquium on marriage and family ended his remarks with the following words:

            “In these days, as you embark on a reflection on the beauty of complementarity between man and woman in marriage, I urge you to lift up yet another truth about marriage:  that permanent commitment to solidarity, fidelity and fruitful love responds to the deepest longings of the human heart.  I urge you to bear in mind especially the young people, who represent our future.  Commit yourselves, so that our youth do not give themselves over to the poisonous environment of the temporary, but rather be revolutionaries with the courage to seek true and lasting love, going against the common pattern.”  

            What can you do this week to BE tender, understanding, helpful and forgiving?  What can you do to be one with your chosen soul mate?  How can you give ladles of love?  Figure it out, make a list of ideas, and then do something.  It will be different for everyone, but there is something you can do now to strengthen your relationship.  Be brave enough to do it.  Commit yourself to locking your love in a permanent relationship with your soul mate.  Maybe even go find a bridge, or a fence to hook a lock onto with your spouse.  Whatever you choose to do, try to enjoy it and have fun!