Apocalypse Now

            Marriage can be a safe harbor from the storms of life, but it can also be like an obstacle course that is difficult to navigate.  It is through overcoming the challenges that we develop Christ-like qualities, and strengthen our relationship.  But it doesn’t happen magically on its own.  We have to do something to overcome our personal pride and selfish natures. 

            Sometimes we are more concerned with being right than with what is right or what is good.  We beat our partner with verbal assaults of logic and power to prove our points.  We might even watch dispassionately as they struggle with the wounds we inflict.  Words matter.  “Pleasant words are as a honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” (Proverbs 16:24) But grievous words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

            It’s not just our words either.  It is our attitude that accompanies our words. Patricia T. Holland shared a thought about our relationships with our children, but I think it applies to our spouses as well.  “When our attitude is one of broken-heartedness and humility, of love and interest in our [spouse’s] welfare, then that cultivates communication.  Our [spouses] recognize that effort on our part.  On the other hand, when we are impatient, hostile, or resentful, it doesn’t matter what woes we choose or how we try to camouflage our feelings.  That attitude will be felt by their discerning hearts.”

            According to John Gottman, PhD, there are ‘certain kinds of negativity that if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’.  If we know what these apocalyptic interactions are, and are aware of how we use them, we can overcome them, and eventually eliminate them from our conversations.

            Horseman 1: Criticism—the global expression of negative feelings and opinions about another’s character or personality.  Here are some examples:

--“Why are you so forgetful?  I hate having to always do your chore when it’s your turn.  You just don’t care!”

--“Why can’t you remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t.  You’re always so careless.”

--You always put your friends ahead of me.  I always come last on your list.

--Any complaint can be turned into a criticism just by adding the line—“What is wrong with you?”

--Two common phrases in statements of criticism are—“You always…” or “You never…”.

            Many of us engage in criticism, it doesn’t necessarily mean we are headed for divorce court, but increasing frequency can lead to other horsemen.

            Horseman 2:  Contempt—a form of disrespect with a sense of superiority. Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, belligerence and hostile humor are all symptoms of contempt.  It conveys disgust and is destructive to relationships.  When people engage this horseman their purpose is to demean and belittle the other person.  Many a truth is spoken in jest.  It is easy to play it off as a joke, but it can be hurtful anyway. 

            Horseman 3:  Defensiveness—is really a way to blame your partner by taking the attitude that “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”.  A common form is the ‘innocent victim’ scenario.  It may include whining and moaning about all the good things that have been done.  “There is no pleasing you!”

            Defensiveness in all its forms only escalates the tension and conflict.  It never solves any issues. It is also of note that these first three horsemen usually interplay with each other in exchanges.  They work naturally together.  So if you hear one, you may hear another.

            Horseman 4:  Stonewalling—during a typical conversation, listeners give vocal or non-verbal cues they are listening and attentive.  The use of eye-contact, nodding, or some sort of verbal acknowledgement are normal.  A stonewaller does not engage in any acknowledgement.  He tends to look away and is impassive, like a stone wall.  It is a deliberate shut down in communication.

            Essence Encounter:

            Most married couples would like to avoid an apocalypse in their relationship.  There are some definite things we can do to evade the consequences of the four horsemen.  Forewarned is forearmed, I always say.  We need to notice when we are entangled with the horsemen.  So this week I challenge you to keep track of how often you use the four horsemen in your interactions.  What are the circumstances surrounding your use, and with whom did you use them?  Knowing when and what sets you off can help you to overcome these tendencies.

            Ponder how close you come to the 5:1 ratio?  Do you have more positive or negative interactions?  What can you do to change that, and increase the positive interactions?

            Ask yourself the following questions when you engage in conversations or have conflict:

*I wonder if I can understand why this is important to my partner?

*What is my partner really telling me?

*I wonder if I can understand his/her pain?

*Can I get God to help me beyond myself in order to understand my spouse?

*How would the Good Samaritan minister to my partner?

            BrighamYoung said: Kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment towards them will bind [spouse] to us with bands that cannot be easily broken; while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us.

       Ezra Taft Benson spoke to parents about their relationship with their children but, again, I think this is appropriate to apply to our partners. “Above all else, [our spouses] need to know and feel they are loved, wanted and appreciated.  They need to be assured of that often.”

           As you become more aware of the negative influences in your conversations you can then combat them with positive forces.  Having more positive interactions will make life sweet.