Big Green Monster

            I love children’s books.  I have a huge collection, and frequently read them to my children.  Here is one of their favorites when they were young:

            With the turn of every page some new scary aspect of the monster appears: a big red mouth, sharp white teeth, curly purple hair or squiggly blue ears.  The point of the story is to tell each characteristic to “go away!”, and by the end of the book we feel confident enough to tell the whole monster to depart.  It’s a cute book with a good message.

            This week I studied about Pride.  Pride is the “big, green monster” in marriage.  Unlike the monster in the book with limited scary aspects, pride seems to have an unending number of faces.  Do any of these appear in your relationship?

*Self-centeredness     *Conceit     *Boastfulness     *Arrogance      *Haughtiness     

*Enmity, which is hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition

*Competitive in nature       *Rebellion        *Hard-heartedness

     *Stiff-neckedness     *Unrepentant     *Puffed up     

*Easily offended     *Tempted to elevate selves

  *Diminishing others     *Faultfinding     *Gossiping     *Backbiting                *Murmuring     *Living beyond our means     *Envying     *Coveting     * Withholding gratitude     

*Withholding praise that might lift another     *Being unforgiving      *Jealous

*Disobedience is essentially a prideful power struggle against someone in authority

    *Selfishness     *‘How everything affects me” attitude     *Self-conceit     *Self-pity      

                   *Worldly self-fulfillment    *Self-gratification     *Self-seeking

            *Contention     *Arguments     *Fights     *Unrighteous dominion     

*Generation gaps     *Spouse abuse     *Riots     *Disturbances

             *Holding grudges     *Not receiving counsel or correction easily

                    *Defensiveness to justify and rationalize frailties and failures

                                                                                    (see Ezra Taft Benson's talk on Pride for more)

            There are a lot of ways for the Pride Monster to rear its big, ugly face in our lives.  And Satan uses every single one of them to stir up trouble every day.  We need to diligently tell each feature to “Go Away!”  We need to let go of our pride.

Pride has no place in our marriages.  Pride adversely affects our relationships.  It limits or stops our progression as individuals and as couples.  Pride chases away our feelings of unity and oneness.  It separates and divides us.  God wants us to become one. 

            So how do we tell our monster to “go away”?  Just like the big, green monster, we need to chase away each form of pride.  Repentance is the remedy, and humility is the antidote.

            We can choose to invite humility into our marriages by esteeming our spouse as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than ourselves.  We can do this by rendering selfless service and considering your partner’s opinions.  Gottman calls this “letting your partner influence you”.

            Basically it means that we consider our spouses opinion when we make decisions, what they feel, prefer and think matters to us in our day-to-day choices.  Accepting influence is an attitude, but it is also a skill that you can learn if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse.

Essence Encounter:

           This idea comes from Gottman's book.  I think it is a fun and interesting activity.  Try it out this week with your spouse.

           The Gottman Deserted Island Game:

            Imagine yourself shipwrecked with your partner on a tropical desert island– the two of you are the only survivors. You have no idea where you are. A storm appears to be on the way. You decide that you need to prepare to survive on this island for some time, and to find some way to ensure you can be spotted by a rescue party. There are a lot of items from the ship on the beach that could help you, but you can only carry ten items.

            Step 1: Each of you writes down on a separate piece of paper what you consider to be the ten most important items to keep from the inventory list below. Then rank these items based on their importance to you. Give the most crucial item a 1, the next most important item a 2, and so on.

Ship’s Inventory:

•   Two changes of clothing                     •   AM-FM and short-wave radio receiver 

•   Ten gallons of water                            •   Pots and pans 

•   Matches                                               •   Shovel 

•   Backpack                                             •   Toilet paper 

•   Two tents                                             •   Two sleeping bags 

•   Knife                                                   •   Small life raft, with sail                      

•   Sunblock lotion                                   •   Cookstove and lantern 

•   Long rope                                            •   Two walkie-talkie sender-receiver units 

•   Freeze-dried food for seven days        •   One change of clothing 

•   One fifth of whiskey                            •   Flares 

•   Compass                                              •   Regional aerial maps 

•   Gun with six bullets                            •   Fifty packages of condoms 

•   First-aid kit with penicillin                  •   Oxygen tanks

            Step 2: Share your list with your partner. Together come up with a consensus list of ten items. This means talking it over and working as a team to solve the problem. Both of you need to be influential in discussing your viewpoint and in making the final decisions.

            Step 3: Once you have compromised on a third list, it’s time to evaluate how the game went. Think about how effective you were at influencing your partner and how effective they were at influencing you. Did either of you try to dominate? Were you competitive? Ask yourself if you had fun. Did both of you work well as a team and feel included, or did you sulk, withdraw, express irritability/anger?
             Acknowledge any problem areas and agree to work together on these issues with your spouse.  This is overcoming pride, choosing humility and defeating the big, ugly monster.  We can't change habits overnight, but we can move forward, if we take responsibility for the part we play in our relationships, and we can choose to work together.  Take that you big, green, ugly monster!  Go Away--and don't come back again!

          

The Lost Art of Wooing

Woo [woo]

verb (used with object)

1.  to seek the favor, affection, or love of, especially with a view to marriage.

Synonyms: court, pursue, chase.

verb (used without object)

2.  to seek the affection or love of someone, usually a woman; court:

He was reminded of his youth when he went wooing.

3.  to solicit favor or approval; entreat:

Further attempts to woo proved useless.

         It seems to me that once people are married all “wooing” grinds to a stop.  We fall into comfortable habits and routines that greatly reduce our desire and ability to romance our spouse.  With the prize of marriage won, we move on to pursue other goals.

         "A relationship is a journey and many would think the destination is marriage. Well, no it is not! Marriage is another phase of the journey.” 

                                             ― Olaotan Fawehinmi  

            It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the wedding is the end of wooing.  I think ‘wooing’ should be a way of life.

            Look at the definition of “Woo”.   It means to seek the favor, affection, or love of someone, to seek to pursue a person, solicit favor or approval.  Doesn’t that sound like what we desire in our marriages?

           I refer to my husband as ‘my boyfriend’.  Some of my children thinks I am nuts.  “You’re married—he’s your husband NOT your boyfriend”, they say.  But I disagree.  He was my boy friend first, and just because he is my husband now, it doesn’t negate the fact that he was and still is my boyfriend.

            Think about it.  There are connotations implied when someone is a boyfriend. A boyfriend is someone special in your life.  A boyfriend is preferred to anyone else.  A boyfriend makes you smile just thinking about him. A woman’s eyes light up when she talks about her boyfriend.  Boyfriends are wonderful, and have so many redeeming qualities.  A woman usually cannot stop talking about how wonderful her boyfriend is.

            Now think about how women talk about their husbands…Like it or not, more often than not, married women don’t talk the same way about husbands as they did about boyfriends. This all applies to men and girlfriends too, it’s not just the women, men fall into this trap as well.  We are ‘wooing-deficient’ as a marital society.

            That is why I call my husband, my boyfriend.  It causes me to think differently about him and our relationship.  I am still stimulated by him, he makes me smile when I think of him, my eyes light up when I see him across a room, and I still like to wink at him when he least expects it.

            It takes a constant flowing of gas from the cylinder to keep the fire burning under your pot.  “Wooing your woman” should be a continuous process.  It should NEVER end after you get your “yes” from her.  If you did a lot to get her, you should do more to keep her.     --Olaotan Fawehinmi

            That quote was written for men, but I submit it applies to women too.

            According to Dr. John Gottman’s research; couples who engage in a lot of interaction tend to remain happy in marriage.  The humdrum scenes of life fuel real-life romance.  It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.  In marriage, couples make what Dr. Gottman calls ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.  A partner can respond to each bid either by 'turning toward' the spouse, or turning away.  Partners should make a choice to turn toward rather than away from each other.  Each time partners turn toward each other, they are building what Dr. Gottman calls an emotional bank account.  Which then serves as a cushion in rough times.

            A husband and wife connect and attuning themselves to each other by turning toward each other.  Couples who do so are building mutual trust.

Here are some ideas for turning toward each other:

--Listen, listen, listen –really listen without being distracted, watching T.V., or checking your phone as he or she talks.

--Remember what he or she shares with you about his or her work, about goals, or whatever.

--Share the highlights of the day, and be supportive and understanding.

--Find out what his or her area of interests are, read about them and be prepared to talk about them, or participate in them with your spouse.

--Always say please and thank you, no matter how long you have been married.

--Eat at least 1 meal a day together.

--Be forgiving – overlook his or her mistakes and flaws, and train yourself to remember the positive traits (everyone has some – you just have to focus on them).

--Plan activities together (be it traveling together, playing tennis, walking, eating out, going out for movie nights – anything you both enjoy doing together).

--Laugh together – don't take your relationship so seriously all the time.  Couples that can laugh together, stay together.

--Say nice things to each other – If you spoke to your friend the way you speak to your spouse would they remain your friend? Be honest with the answer.

--Try to go to bed at the same time. 

                              (Ideas taken from muslimmatters.org)

Essence Encounter:

            Dr.Gottman tells us the first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mini-moments are, not only to your marriage’s trust level, but to its ongoing sense of romance.  For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.  Being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of you marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.  A romantic outing only turns up the heat if a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways.

            ‘Turning toward’ operates under a law of positive feedback—like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small ,yet generate enormous results.  In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit.  Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.

            Internet and digital devices pose a growing challenge to turning toward our spouse.  It can take a toll on intimate communication that fuels both romantic love and family life.  It is important to be present with your partner. 

            Make a goal this week notice how your partner had been turning toward you and giving in your relationship.  Then simply thank your partner for having turned toward you in these ways.

         Happy Belated Valentine's Day!